Dear White Heterosexual Male Authors,
There’s a lot of talk coming from your circle of late. Everybody has heard of your pisstivity that your work is skipped over because you’re not "pick an alphabet category" enough to be worthy enough for a commercial publishing deal. Up until now, the industry has handed you nothing but degradation. Social media has also done you no favors, dragging your work as you demand a return to America’s true literary glory – Men’s Adventure Fiction, Westerns, Something Something Indiana Jones dark side ass kicking and killing with a dash of friendly John Wayne racism.
The industry heard you loud and clear. Now there’s a cure for the literary discrimination plaguing your career that will change the tide of publishing – Dude Wipes.
The tiny pocket protector cleanser is everything that today’s White Heterosexual Male Author needs to fight any legitimate beef brewing from PenguinRandomSchuster over the last twenty years so you can finally take your rightful place in the contemporary literary market. The flushable, 99% water and plant-based ingredient extra-large wipe has just enough power to prove White Heterosexual Male Authors have rough and tough asses and even tougher staying power to fight away any discriminatory dingleberries hanging from the craws of the lipstick lesbian trust fund kid agents.
No longer shall you be on the wrong side of the virtue signaling. No more shall you be expected to conform to the genericness of token BIPOCs and others shitted on or scorned by PenguinRandomSchuster and Amazon. Dude Wipes takes the White Heterosexual Male Authors back to their hierarchy at the top of the literary market food chain prior to 1970. Soaked and soothing in Vitamin E and Aloe, you can now wipe your ass on the industry and write about everybody and everything without fearing a backlash, since Dude Wipes are big enough to sop up large industry messes with a worry-free clean.
It doesn’t matter if you write strong white heterosexual male characters, no minorities, and women who know their place. Lipstick lesbian trust fund kid agents are recycle warriors who will cum all over themselves when you wipe their disdain with plastic-free, plant-sourced fiber-textured Dude Wipes that will feel like a winter’s kiss from Santa on their uptight asses when they read your submission. The quality of your work will be judged instead of the color of your skin and the personal choice of your sexuality, and no one at PenguinRandomSchuster will call you Rawhide after, unless it’s your new pen name.
Don’t worry about them clogging up the pipes at the commercial publisher you’re eyeing – show PenguinRandomSchuster that the fatberg about to explode is just Dude Wipes' remnants of the gatekeeping system they protected instead of being on the ground floor of this literary movement and wiping their asses clean of supporting your work. The huge pain they’ll have missing out on the White Heterosexual Male literary renaissance will teach them to get in on the ground floor instead of worrying about what some hack asses on social media have to say about their business sense.
Show your chapped ass. Wipe the literary community with Dude Wipes.
Tia Ja'Nae is managing editor of Black Market Fiction and the president and founder of the Fuck Amazon Fraternity Inc.
